I am sorry

There would be hundreds of sorry coming from my mouth. I am trying hard to be strong. It's not easy. Well no one actually said that it would be.

Run away and push people away, I'm afraid those are my favorite things to do. I have been doing that for several times. And when I say I love you doesn't mean I won't push you away or run away from you.

Been doing some studies on why I'm doing what I'm doing. Tried to deny it but hey it's true. So why? Why am I addicted to it? The answer is simple, I'm just trying to protect me. My heart from being shattered.

I can assure you ill be there during your worst time. Trust me I'm not asking you to do the same thing for me. I just thought that it won't necesary. For I always know what I should do but I just feel like being a drama queen and enjoy my role.

When I push you away, that means you have done something that hurt me. I just don't want to say what it is in your face but it hurt. So I thought it would be easier for me to drift away than to show my bleeding heart, which I will never show. Then there it would be difficult for me to forget. I care too much and it kills.

When the time has arrived for you to leave or for me to leave, well I will leave. If it's too late for me to leave then I'm sorry I just can't see you leaving. I never had this thing worked out yet. I am bad at this. I will pretend that you are still here, though you are not, and I will make believe that I can still run into you anytime.

As time goes by I know I will smile and pretend everything is under control, whilst I'm dying inside. Others should not know that, but I know you do.

for the one I used to call a friend...
November 2010