My way not yours

Shall one question other's religion?
I strongly believe that when one believes in God doesn't mean one has to have a religion. What's a religion there for us is to keep the people stick to where they are rooted. Just because we belong to one congregation doesn't mean we have the right to look down on others who are different in one eye. Well I don't think any religion would teach that.

There's only one God and thousand of ways to get there. Something that WE still don't understand. Just last night I saw how these people attacked Marcell Siahaan. I couldn't believe that! They claimed they have religions, good people and all...would say things like that.
I just love the way Marcell answered all of those non sense. ..And it made me smile. He's right, no one would really know what is going on in one's life. No one would really understand all the questions, demands, insecurities, hopes, and what most important is to feel comfortable to be part of something without having to explain it to anyone but God.

Yes people may judge and be so negative, but what is there to listen to them? It's like when you're up there they won't stop to push you down and when you're down they would just leave you there. So why bother?
I even questioned myself, why bother to have a religion? Aren't we supposed to be ONE under BHINNEKA TUNGGAL IKA? where did it go? has it lost along the way?

If one has to mess up one life just to be a real one. Then just do it! The search of what it's right for one may take forever but believe me once one there, these things won't matter anymore.
As I am also in search of I don't know what, I think I will have to keep on walking with the light of God which will never fail me...

 A day after I saw what's going on with my people
Paris 27/12/2010

I am sorry

There would be hundreds of sorry coming from my mouth. I am trying hard to be strong. It's not easy. Well no one actually said that it would be.

Run away and push people away, I'm afraid those are my favorite things to do. I have been doing that for several times. And when I say I love you doesn't mean I won't push you away or run away from you.

Been doing some studies on why I'm doing what I'm doing. Tried to deny it but hey it's true. So why? Why am I addicted to it? The answer is simple, I'm just trying to protect me. My heart from being shattered.

I can assure you ill be there during your worst time. Trust me I'm not asking you to do the same thing for me. I just thought that it won't necesary. For I always know what I should do but I just feel like being a drama queen and enjoy my role.

When I push you away, that means you have done something that hurt me. I just don't want to say what it is in your face but it hurt. So I thought it would be easier for me to drift away than to show my bleeding heart, which I will never show. Then there it would be difficult for me to forget. I care too much and it kills.

When the time has arrived for you to leave or for me to leave, well I will leave. If it's too late for me to leave then I'm sorry I just can't see you leaving. I never had this thing worked out yet. I am bad at this. I will pretend that you are still here, though you are not, and I will make believe that I can still run into you anytime.

As time goes by I know I will smile and pretend everything is under control, whilst I'm dying inside. Others should not know that, but I know you do.

for the one I used to call a friend...
November 2010

Every girl needs her best girl

I thought you are only one click away, but you are not.
I was so lost these days don't know how I feel inside. I can't describe why I feel the way I feel. I remember I used to pick up my phone and dial your number. But now..it's impossible.

When she left the country I didn't even want to think about it. I told myself that she just went to another city. I was in denial! She left for good, don't know when we'll meet again.

Ever since she left I didn't really have anyone to talk to...well not that I can't talk to anyone but talking to your girl about something simple or just a call to say where are you? have you eaten? or to be able to talk about anything without me being judged is different...

...and now I realized I am alone...but I know we are together in our loneliness.

7/10/10
Kelapa Gading

A stanger in the night

It’s been a long night and can’t stop thinking about that man. It’s not that he’s charming ...well he was and still is hehe...well he’s been using his charm on to me, and I was almost falling fro that... but that’s not it. He said something which made me revisit my feelings and thoughts. How I am proud of my country is not a question, but what have I done to my country is the question.

First thing he asked me when He found out that I'm an Indonesian was, what do you think of Australian guys? Damn I should have known that he’s going to throw the fact about my country right into my face. As he was talking, I was trying hard to control myself, and believe me it’s not easy. Who the hell is he??? I thought I’ve done my part. I thought I was careful. I thought I was different (visit my being Indonesian, blog pls). Me against all the odds.

It started with Bali, yeah Bali that exotic beautiful island. What he had thrown me was a fact. The fact that we don’t care about our country. I guess we forgot about the essential of Balinese. We forgot how we have lost the values.  As life getting tougher we only think of how to earn money. Then we forget to protect the values. It is sad but it happens. How opportunists come and just take away the values we used to believe in. How much they have changed us.

These opportunists, who happen to be, well, the majority is Australian, have taken the advantage to exploit our people. How Bali, island of goddess has changed to be a sex commercial island. Opportunists come for cheap sex. As it to the locals, it’s a market.   Whose fault is it? OURS!

We forgot that we let Bali become our number one income, well at least it was and still is. The rest of us seem so ignorant. We forgot to lend our supports to our dear brothers and sisters in Bali. We forgot that they struggle nights and days for us. Well we can’t deny the fact that Bali has brought back the darkness in our country especially after recession and bombings. Should be lose our values over money? So then what makes Bali, Bali? And what makes Indonesia, Indonesia? Have we lost our identity yet? True there's another oppurtunist called the local. It's sadden that the locals, locals they are not Balinese. Are they local Indonesians? sadly yes.

Where did all go? My own people has become people that easily get furious. What happened to the smiling people? What happened to our friendly people? As for ladies, life is tough but is that what we really want to teach our children? I bet the late Kartini cries to see this. When she fought the freedom for women never in her mind that this will happen. Now that we got to choose our own path, we just neglect the choices we have in life. 

From the beautiful exotic Bali, we had an interesting talk about bombings. We failed to see the essentials. The court has become the number one play in our local Broadway. We failed to see that so many countries had lent their hands for us. How we just accept then close our eyes, as if nothing had happened. We failed to see how their society has been disappointed. Their disappointments have made them to believe that they should stop the aids going to Indonesia. Made them to believe that they should stop the gate between the two countries. The disappointment is so high that they’re willing to watch the bombers destroy our country.

“Well, for that you should blame the government”, I said. “Well, yes, government corrupts,” he replied. Gees is it really that remarkably substandard? What are we going to do?

It was an honest talk I must say. Make me believe that the only way out is through education. Now I’m not saying this because I’m a teacher. And I don’t think our teachers can do that. I mean, teachers have responsibilities. They got family to take care of. We need more people. We need idealists. Someone who’s not afraid. As a woman I pity my people who’s in the market. The fact that we can't count on our government, is nothing new.

So people, like it or not we got to stand together. I’m saying this to awaken us maybe others who I may not know. I’m awake now. I’m taking the step really slow and reaching my hands to you for help.

After two hours talking, he then said he has learned a lot from me. What the hell is he talking about? Then he went (well I kind of forget what he really said, but something like), I learned that in two hours I have made him see outside the box. A different fact about my country. Made him see that not all Indonesians are opportunists. Made him see that one Indonesian woman can make a difference. Made him changed, well a bit, about his stigma about Asian women in general (well I hope). I didn’t expect that from him. This guy has wrecked my feelings then yet he was able to see me more - in a person. Something that rarely would happen to my people. Then I told my self, I can make a difference. Suddenly I’m so proud of myself.

Kelapa Gading

14/01/10

This is It

That was the last Sunday before Christmas in 2009, somehow I have this weird feeling about the pastor. The feeling that says, gosh, I don't like this pastor. However, when this pastor gave a closing blessing,  he took it from Matthew 11:28, "come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." That was something. I could tell my soul rejoice when my ears heard it. Then it stays till now. That was the first.

Second time was the day my girlfriend got married. There's a small church in a city called Surabaya, Indonesia. When I entered, I felt I was in a church where I got baptized. I was asked to take pictures, so I told myself I need to get a good seat where I can be in the church and at the same time I can take pictures. Well, it's kind of multitask girl wanna be, ha. There I found my seat. As I sat down and looked around, I saw this gigantic bible right in the middle of the church. The bible is open. On page is written, Come to Me, All you who are weary and burdened. Bottom it's written Matt 11:28. 

This is the bible I was talking about...and oh the pastor is kind of sitting on top of it.

Coincidence? maybe. There came the first and second. What I'm about to say, it would really give you a hint that it was not just a coincidence. The third came last Sunday. It was just another lazy Sunday morning. It has been raining since the other night. I looked at the time and decided to pull my self under my blanket. Then there was this phone call, made me opening my eyes. There was I, alone and don't know what to do. Quickly, got up, got ready and off to church. As I decided going to church the rain changed from hard to drizzle. Just enough time to have devotional time before the service began. It was 5 minutes to 11, just before the service began. I took the church bulletin and started to read. There's this page, an article entitled "This is it." According to the author, the idea was taken from MJ's last doc movie. As I opened the next page, there it went....a verse, a very familiar verse, taken from the same verse, Matt 11:28. 


Less than two months, I got this same verse trice. I believe this is not a coincidence. But what's God trying to tell me? Well, I have to admit that I am christian who doesn't go to church that often. I do believe Jesus is son of God and I believe in the bible. But for me to go to church every Sunday, well that's very challenging. When I pray I always ask God to grant me a lifetime partner whom I seek night and day. I was in with the wrong persons for all this time and till I put an end and this time when I decided to have a relationship that would be based on  Christianity. I was and am ready for that kind of relationship. 


That verse keeps me thinking. I am really trying to ask myself, what kind of burdens am i carrying now? for I am in my searching, am i weary? yeah I gotta say that. But has it led up to burden? I still have no idea. 
I have to admit, when I read the verse again and again it gives relieve. It gives a new hope. So, when MJ said, this is it, I also say, "this is it, this is the time for me and my savior.


Tuesday, 19 Jan 2010

what's happening in jogja

 yeah i know it's drizzling, but this is so cool xx

looks so old (the background) love it! glad we really made time to visit xx

 

check this one out xx impressive huh? wasn't though xxx was taking during JOGJA BINNALE dec 2009 xxxx

JOGJA BINALLE ROCKS!

 

  We were born and grew up in this city x but this was the first time for us to actually touch that tugu (monument). It's located right in the middle of the road xxx taken a night when Gus Dur left (1000 candles for him)xxxxx

this building is older than me (been there for 4 centuries) x got renovated after the quake in 2006 xxx

the javanese kings used to stand over here and that was the time when the king got to choose the girls who's in the pool xxx

these were taken dec 2009 back home jogja

Is locking oneself at home is one of the signs one has been single for too long?

I just finished reading an article on zoosk. The article was about signs you've single for too long. I started to read then it stroke me. There are many signs that I must thick and thick and thick to diagnose if one has the signs. 

Many replied and added. I was amazed on the number of people who actually single for too long and replied to the thread. Bottom line is that the majority of the signs are leading to one conclusion, which is developing unhealthy relationship with home.

If you have an account on zoosk, try to go on the community and find this thread. It's interesting how people actually share. One should be aware of this. It was said that if one has 3 signs at least then one is recommended to have a life. 


Then I was thinking, is it true just because one doesn't go out much that would make one being single too long? Is it really, one will have a dependent on one's kittens at home than to the society? 
Would one will likely develop a fear in meeting a possible partner in life? or is it one going to be ending a relationship before it begins? Just by thinking of it make me shivering. That is just so terrible.


I find it staying home is a privilege.  After a day of work I find it relaxing at home is a moment I've been waiting for. And No I don't have any cat nor pets. I enjoy being myself and not surrounded by people I work with. How is that possibly has to do with being single for too long? 
I go out much with friends. I got many friends whom I still keep in touch every now and then.

What do you think? mind sharing?